Friday 3 October 2014

Your Rival Rescues a Drowning Puppy

Signs of a problem: rival’s mug shot is in the paper; rival is unusually smug

The symptoms: jealousy; fury; feeling cheated.

Life is going well – you’ve got a radio interview lined up, you got a mention in the local paper… Then, just as you think you’ve got marketing cracked, your competitor dwarfs your efforts by only saving a drowning bloody puppy.

Do not stress. There are greater heroic tasks than saving a drowning puppy from a duck pond; for example, saving an oxygen-starved baby from a burning building.

To maximise your chances of saving an oxygen-starved baby from a burning building, try hanging out in a hot country, preferably somewhere near a nursery and woodland. Don’t be tempted to have a baby of your own for this purpose – stranger heroes are more likely to hit the news than parents saving their own flesh and blood.

Opportunities to be a hero are also increased by hanging out near a volcano, motorway, railway bridge or bank.

Be sure to learn extensive first aid, build up extreme physical fitness, and master hostage negotiation skills. The last thing you want your public to read is ‘300 die in disaster author could have prevented’.

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