Friday 10 October 2014

Your Gran Reads Your Anal Sex Scene

Signs of a problem: gran can’t look you in the eye; she’s sweating profusely.

The symptoms: mortification.

One of the hardest things about writing a sex scene is knowing that somehow, sometime, your family will read it. Then all sorts of questions will enter their minds: ‘Where did little Johnny learn the word schlong?’, ‘Has he ever tried using frozen yoghurt for that?’, ‘What is rimming?’

Of course, you could try banning them from your books, but there will always be an uncle or a cousin somewhere for whom a ban is the strongest form of encouragement. You made a special edit for your mum, replacing the five-page detailed bonk scene with the sentence, ‘Then they had some sex.’ You hid the paper copies when your aunt visited. Yet somehow your gran got hold of one. How did that happen?

However it happened, the consequences are the same. You and your gran have inadvertently bonded on a level that you were never supposed to, and there is no going back.

The following moves are inappropriate: asking your gran for feedback; asking your gran if people had anal sex during the war; asking why the pages are stuck together.

The only way forward is to ignore the problem and carry on as if it never happened. Play Scrabble together, watch bad family TV, eat her toffees, and never ever mention the book again.

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