Monday 27 October 2014

A Fellow Writer Offers You Cocaine

Signs of a problem: fellow writer sniffs a lot and then invites you into a toilet.

The symptoms: shock.

You’re at a book fair at the local library, when a seemingly straight-laced writer of historical fiction pulls you into the disabled toilets and offers you a line of coke. At first, in your naivety, you think the white powder might be some tasty lemon sherbet, but when your fellow author leads by example, the penny drops.

Do not snort the coke. You may be a celebrity now, but that doesn’t mean that you need to become a cliché. Remember that you are a famous author, not a singer, model or actress. Celebrity authors buy small holdings in the country and treat themselves to speciality teas; we do not develop drug habits and spend our hard-earned cash on getting high. We get our fixes from five star reviews and chart climbing.

So, when you meet a writer who has lost his or her way, it is important to remember who you are, and be true to yourself, rather than get caught up in that showbiz kerfuffle.

Even so, there’s no need to be rude. A simple, “No thank you, I have too much self-respect to try that sort of thing, and so should you,” will do.

Also, depending on how much respect you have for the library system, you may want to tip off the staff that their historic building is being used for snorting Class A drugs. Assess how much you like the author in question. Does he post pretentious messages in your favourite forum or is he a modest soul? Does he read your books? If you like the chap, wait for him to leave before tipping off the library staff.

Of course, if the librarian is the dealer, your report will fall on deaf ears. For further advice, surf the web for one of the many available books of the ilk, How to Tell if Your Local Librarian is a Cocaine Dealer.

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