Tuesday 14 October 2014

You Shout Your Pen Name in Bed

The situation: baffled look on partner’s face.

You feel: embarrassment; regret.

It’s been a good day – twenty sales and a new five star review. It’s hardly surprising that you’re thinking about the reviewer’s comment, ‘I want to bone this book’ while your partner is attempting some boning action of his own. It’s no wonder that those five stars are flashing in your mind as you reach the climactic moment. Your partner has no idea that you’ve mentally replaced his torso with a giant Booker prize. Then, suddenly, your pen name pops out of your mouth. The cat is well and truly out of the bag.

Your lover looks down at you. “What did you say?” he asks, glaring.

You have two options: lie or lie.

There are no circumstances under which shouting the wrong name in bed will sound acceptable, even if it’s your own name. Far better to make your partner distrust his own judgement. Flatter his ego; tell him you said, “Bloody hell, that was good.” He’d rather believe the lie than the truth and hopefully he will.

In future, if your day’s career success has made you stupidly horny, have a solo session before risking human interaction.

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