Thursday 2 October 2014

A Jealous Rival Tries to Murder You

Signs of a problem: anthrax through your letterbox; bicycle brake wire cut.

The symptoms: fear; anger.

Your eBook is at number one in four different online book stores. Could your day get any better? Well, it’s about to get a lot worse. The author of the book at number two is on a murderous rampage. Unaware that your untimely death will only increase your sales, number two decides to try to make you the victim of a tragic accident.

A totally splendid hotshot author must always be on the lookout for trip wire, stray arrows and poisoned tea. A homicidal rival is likely to find a dramatic way to bump you off. That way, if caught, he or she will at least be able to write a compelling true crime book. Your nemesis, considering him or herself something of a literary connoisseur, may well choose a murder method from popular fiction. Hunger for a literary tie-in does make an assassination attempt a little easier to spot.

Do not enter any libraries, billiard rooms or pantries. Avoid candlesticks, paperweights and lead piping. And if you see a butler – run, run like the wind.

If you do get slain, just remember which of you got to number one first. Death is a bit of a bugger but a small price to pay for a chart topper.

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