Sunday, 26 October 2014

A Man on the Tube Asks You to Sign His Cock

Signs of a problem: passenger fumbles with trousers, pen in hand.

The symptoms: disgust; fear; revulsion.

It’s always flattering to be asked for your autograph. However, there are certain things to consider when such a request arrives: Do you have time to stop? Do you have a pen handy? Is the autograph book a pulsating trouser snake?

If somebody asks for an autograph when you are in a hurry to get somewhere, e.g. catching a train, visiting the cinema or attending the birth of your child, you will need to seriously consider whether you should stop.

In theory, you can give an autograph in less than thirty seconds, but in practice it’s best to take your time. Ask the reader their name and whether they’d like a dedication or just a signature. You will be tempted to ask what they think of your books. Signing an autograph can take several minutes. The process will no doubt be rewarding, but will it be as rewarding as being there when your son opens his eyes for the first time? Sometimes there are no right or wrong answers.

Carry a pen wherever you go. You do not want to turn down autograph opportunities through equipment failures. If you don’t have a pen, then you need to consider whether or not to write in blood. Are you a horror writer? If not, best avoid bodily fluids.

There is one circumstance under which giving an autograph is always a bad idea – if the fan wants your signature on his willy. Yes, giving an autograph can be a very uplifting, smug-making experience, but handling a tube passenger’s cock is an effective antidote to feeling good.

It is important not to seem dismissive whilst, at the same time, not leading the reader on. An effective word for use in such situations is ‘engraving’. If that doesn’t put him off, then you’re well within your rights to change carriage at the next possible opportunity.


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