Wednesday 15 October 2014

Your Ex Sells Your Sext History to the Press

Signs of a problem: people smirk at you in the street; your social network follower count doubles overnight.

The symptoms: embarrassment; loss of trust.

You knew your ex was a half-witted moron with a tiny dick and all the sexual prowess of a dormouse, but you didn’t know that he was also a selfish, untrustworthy sell-out. That is, until you saw your steamiest text reproduced as a tabloid headline.

When you told your ex that you fantasised about smothering his toes in HP sauce and licking it off whilst wearing an Indian headdress, you had no idea that the whole nation would suddenly find out about your sexual quirks. Worse still, the texts have been reproduced with the original typos. Had you known that your words would be read by more than just Half-Wit Wally, you would have corrected the predictive text errors. Instead, millions of people think you told your partner, ‘I want you to rub my clot with your gingers until I origami.’

Whatever you do, do not let the increased exposure go to your head. As a totally splendid hotshot author, you will have learnt to thrive on publicity. You need to recognise that there is such a thing as bad publicity. Do not agree to write a steamy response for said tabloid; do not decide to publish an erotic re-write of your novel about carp fishing; do not try to cash in by posting your topless photos online. Totally splendid hotshot authors have integrity. Similarly, offering statistics about your ex’s squidgy, sprout penis will make you look bitter and spiteful, no matter how accurate the description may be.

Rise above it. Neither admit nor deny the texts. If you admit to sending them, you will land yourself in it with the sceptics who think you planted the story. If you deny them, people may think that you’re protesting too hard. Try not to comment at all.

Instead, make sure that your website is up to date. Post an interesting, unrelated article on your blog and make sure that it links to your latest book. If you’re planning to launch a new title soon, can you bring it forward? These strategies will allow you to capitalise on the increased number of people searching for you online, whilst allowing you to maintain the moral high ground.

Oh, and delete your ex’s number. He’s clearly a knobcheese camembert.

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