Wednesday 17 September 2014

Your Over-Zealous Housemate Franks You

Signs of a problem: unexpected Facebook activity; friend trying to stifle giggles.

The symptoms: irritation – this is your career!

You’ve created a brilliant Facebook page for your totally splendid hotshot author persona. It contains a gorgeous photo of you sporting a new sexy goatee, faux ‘candid’ photos of you hanging out with some indie celebs and a few of your most over-written quotes. Then, while you’re in the bathroom, your delightful housemate grabs your laptop and posts, ‘I like to wear women’s knickers.’

It’s not that you have anything against cross-dressers, it’s just that you’re not one (or perhaps you are, but it’s not part of your author brand). Plus, getting franked looks totally unprofessional.

For those of you unfamiliar with the term ‘frank’, it’s a contraction of ‘Facebook’ and ‘prank’ and is used to describe an occasion where an individual takes control of somebody else’s Facebook account and posts something whilst pretending to be the logged in individual.

Franking is more commonly known as ‘frape’, a contraction of ‘Facebook’ and ‘rape’. However, if ‘frape’ really were the Facebook equivalent of ‘rape’ then rape would be writing ‘I cross dress’ on the forehead of a sleeping friend, and not an abhorrent and violent criminal practice. Therefore, I’m using the lesser known but much less disgusting term, ‘frank’.

As a result of the frank, half of your fans think you wear ladies’ panties and the other half know that you’re the sort of author who has friends who can’t be trusted. This is not good.

What options do you have? You could delete the post and make another one thanking your friend for reminding you of the importance of security on social media, you could respond by leaving a witty remark beneath the frank showing that you’re both aware of your friend’s indiscretion and able to take a joke, or you could get revenge.

As appetising as it may seem, taking revenge is an example of what not to do. You could respond by uploading a photo of your housemate having just walked out of the shower, but do you really think the brains behind, ‘I like to wear women’s knickers’ is going to let it stop at that? He or she will take counter revenge and raise the stakes once again. Before you know it, your readers will think that you’re a baby-eating, thong-wearing, sexual deviant from one of the lesser known Celtic nations.

Yes, a discreet response may be boring, but you are on your way to becoming a totally splendid hotshot author now, you have to protect your reputation. A true friend will not seek to destroy your career but pranks can rapidly escalate out of control.

Of course, revenge your friend never finds out about is fine. Instead of responding with a public prank, why not get it on with his mum?

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