Thursday 18 September 2014

A Bookshop Manager Calls Your Book a Monstrosity

Signs of a problem: manager looks an infuriating blend of annoyed and smug.

The symptoms: agony; defensiveness; violent urges.

You had decided to take the plunge and create a Print-on-Demand version of your definitive manual on bottom jokes. You unwrap your proof copy with delight – the cartoon cover featuring a teenage boy farting into a phone is hilarious. Excitedly, you trek over to the local bookshop to inform the manager that BooksULike will be the first store to stock the next big thing.

What does the manager do about your generous offer? He turns his nose up and walks away. He doesn’t even look at your cover. You explain that the eBook version of your baby has sold 300 copies but the bastard simply does not want to know.

“Another vanity-published monstrosity, no doubt,” he mumbles as he moves off.

You simply cannot believe his rudeness. He didn’t even read your hand-out detailing the sheer quantity of bottom jokes packed into your manual.

What you need to realise is that the bookshop manager sees dozens of self-published authors every week and he has no idea that you are the one guest who really does have what it takes to become a totally splendid hotshot author.

Do not call him a knob (to his face). Do not make fun of his toupee. Do not, under any circumstances, get your arse out, even if you are wearing jogging trousers.

Instead, walk out with your head held high, devote yourself to making your book an international success, then return in twelve months’ time with ‘told ya, sucker’ inked across your butt cheeks, and then get your arse out.

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