Sunday, 21 September 2014

Your Elderly Uncle Puts Your eReader in the Toaster

The situation: smell of burning plastic; elderly uncle licking his lips.

You feel: despair.

You wake up to the smell of burning plastic. You hurry downstairs wondering if your elderly uncle has put the TV remote under the grill again. Then you realise that it’s not the TV remote you can smell but your eReader!

No matter how tempting it might be, do not reach into the toaster without unplugging it at the wall. Although this basic safety precaution may result in a few seconds of extra eReader toastage, it’s better to have a fried eReader than a fried self. Once the toaster is unplugged at the wall, pick it up, turn it upside down and shake it, being sure to reserve one hand to catch your eReader as it shoots out.

It’s highly likely that your precious eReader is cosmetically damaged. However, there is still a chance that it may be functional. Determine the extent of the damage by trying to open an eBook. Do not open one of your own creations as this could add to your distress, especially if the screen has warped.

Now, take a little time to mourn your eReader’s former health. If it has passed away, I suggest wrapping it in a cloth and burying it in the garden. Plant a tree.

Now, it’s time to deal with the elderly uncle. I suggest a home. It may take time but you will eventually find it in your heart to love a new eReader. You cannot risk it ending up in the juicer. Get out the yellow pages, find the nearest nursing home and ship your uncle out pronto. This has the added bonus that having to send an elderly relative into residential care is excellent material for a bittersweet novella about loss.

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