tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78549300707522177782024-03-13T02:15:07.442+00:00How Not to Self-Publish - The Totally Splendid Hotshot Author's Survival GuidePenned using a combination of her own catastrophic blunders interspersed with wry observations, How Not to Self-Publish provides a light-hearted, informative and sometimes surreal look at selling books in the modern world.Rosen Trevithickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03426707328360741084noreply@blogger.comBlogger86125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7854930070752217778.post-91865504242185176892014-11-01T09:30:00.000+00:002014-11-01T09:30:00.535+00:00You’re Assassinated Mid-SeriesSigns of a problem: breath absent; skin cold to touch.
The symptoms: feeling pretty darn cheesed off.
Your friends warned you about the dangers of tackling stalkers, cocaine addicts and critical reviews but would you listen? As a result of your pig-headedness, you are now dead – assassinated by Shit-Hot Rod.
Now a ghost, you tread familiar paths, watching the destruction you left behind. Your Rosen Trevithickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03426707328360741084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7854930070752217778.post-73563201885975369282014-10-31T09:29:00.000+00:002014-10-31T09:29:00.356+00:00A Reviewer Misunderstands Your Ironic Self-Help BookSigns of a problem: rating drops; critical review count increases.
The symptoms: rejection; defensiveness.
You’ve written an ironic self-publishing guide, because, let’s face it, you’re a pretty big deal now that you’ve had some badges featuring your cover specially printed. You know it won’t be everybody’s cup of tea, but you’re okay with that.
Then it happens: the one-star review.
It Rosen Trevithickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03426707328360741084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7854930070752217778.post-88548167073456133342014-10-30T09:19:00.000+00:002014-10-30T09:19:51.807+00:00The Paparazzi Photograph You in a BikiniSigns of a problem: photo of you scantily clad appears on cover of tabloid.
The symptoms: embarrassment; rage.
You’re sunbathing in the garden of your new, top-security home, drinking cocktails with your latest toy boy. You think you catch a glimpse of a face above the surrounding wall but tell yourself you’ve had too many margaritas. That wall is almost twenty feet high.
The very next day, a Rosen Trevithickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03426707328360741084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7854930070752217778.post-10153059125907288912014-10-29T09:28:00.000+00:002014-10-29T09:28:00.024+00:00A Fellow Author Urges You to Step AsideThe situation: midlist author ranting and raving; your face on the cover of national newspapers (not hers).
The symptoms: outrage.
You’ve made your first thousand million. Books are flying off the shelves. Your titles boom straight to number one the moment they’re released. It’s safe to say you’re doing bloody well.
In a deviation from your usual, chirpy children’s fiction, you decide to writeRosen Trevithickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03426707328360741084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7854930070752217778.post-83101504767172177412014-10-28T09:26:00.000+00:002014-10-28T09:26:00.136+00:00Your Talentless Mate Demands a Part in the Film Adaptation of Your NovelSigns of a problem: mate buys you many drinks; mate starts talking with exaggerated diction.
The symptoms: dread; guilt.
A major film studio wants to make your novel into a blockbuster movie. It’s a dream come true. You haven’t announced it yet, but you have told a few close friends and family. Suddenly, your best mate becomes unusually overdramatic – his diction has improved considerably and Rosen Trevithickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03426707328360741084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7854930070752217778.post-57079107496167836442014-10-27T09:35:00.000+00:002014-10-27T09:35:45.442+00:00A Fellow Writer Offers You CocaineSigns of a problem: fellow writer sniffs a lot and then invites you into a toilet.
The symptoms: shock.
You’re at a book fair at the local library, when a seemingly straight-laced writer of historical fiction pulls you into the disabled toilets and offers you a line of coke. At first, in your naivety, you think the white powder might be some tasty lemon sherbet, but when your fellow author Rosen Trevithickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03426707328360741084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7854930070752217778.post-72017788370019879202014-10-26T18:25:00.000+00:002014-10-26T18:25:00.197+00:00A Man on the Tube Asks You to Sign His CockSigns of a problem: passenger fumbles with trousers, pen in hand.
The symptoms: disgust; fear; revulsion.
It’s always flattering to be asked for your autograph. However, there are certain things to consider when such a request arrives: Do you have time to stop? Do you have a pen handy? Is the autograph book a pulsating trouser snake?
If somebody asks for an autograph when you are in a hurry toRosen Trevithickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03426707328360741084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7854930070752217778.post-5495667304436812162014-10-25T10:49:00.000+01:002014-10-25T10:49:23.923+01:00A Stranger Asks You to Promote a Book with a Typo in the Title Signs of a problem: unsolicited email in your inbox; mouth open in horror.
The symptoms: anger; frustration; pain.
Your book has just been rejected for inclusion in a major bookstore’s core catalogue, your local paper has overlooked your book launch and your former university has released a magazine listing ‘Published Alumni’ that only includes fiction endorsed by conventional publishers.
Why,Rosen Trevithickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03426707328360741084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7854930070752217778.post-21324278155827172712014-10-24T10:57:00.000+01:002014-10-24T10:57:11.986+01:00You Win an AwardThe situation: congratulations coming from every direction; a new shiny badge, medal or trophy in your possession.
You feel: excitement; pride.
You may think that once the winners of a competition have been announced, the game is over. Alas, the game has only just begun. Now you must plan your acceptance speech. Readers, competitors and the competition organisers will be waiting to see your Rosen Trevithickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03426707328360741084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7854930070752217778.post-57950270941767939342014-10-23T11:37:00.000+01:002014-10-23T11:37:28.970+01:00A Tween Vampire Romance Novelist Wants to Co-Write Your Next Crime ThrillerThe situation: being faced with the question, “Do you think your detective would look better with fangs?”
You feel: embarrassment.
You’ve written four bestselling crime thrillers praised for their realism and factual accuracy. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a friendly acquaintance has a “crazy idea” – “Let’s co-write your next book!” Your acquaintance is talented, popular and very amenable, but her Rosen Trevithickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03426707328360741084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7854930070752217778.post-25511458785027064852014-10-22T11:48:00.000+01:002014-10-22T11:48:41.371+01:00An Unsolicited Novel Lands in Your InboxThe situation: unsolicited email has a huge attachment.
You feel: feeling overwhelmed; guilt.
A kind reader writes you a personal email to tell you how much he loved your book and hopes that you enjoyed his review. You write back to thank him. He tells you that there is a little favour you could do in return – read his attached one hundred thousand word novel and give critical feedback. (Are Rosen Trevithickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03426707328360741084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7854930070752217778.post-54622106221380667092014-10-21T09:21:00.000+01:002014-10-21T09:21:00.034+01:00A Fan Posts You a CatSigns of a problem: courier arrives with ‘Pets You Like’ written on his van.
The symptoms: confusion; excitement; despair.
You’ve made a big public show of how much you want a cat. In fact, your author identity is practically founded on your love of cats. From your debut novel, Cats Rule the Earth to your recent offering, I’d Marry a Cat if I Could, your books are distinctly feline-themed.
So,Rosen Trevithickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03426707328360741084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7854930070752217778.post-60939562014900724442014-10-20T09:21:00.000+01:002014-10-20T11:25:26.807+01:00A Store Offers You a Golden Chicken in Exchange for ExclusivitySigns of a problem: visualising golden eggs.
The symptoms: excitement; ambition.
You’re selling books in a variety of stores – not vast numbers, but a few here and there. Along comes the biggest store and offers you the chance to win a golden chicken. All you have to do is remove your books from sale in every other book store.
You think it through – a golden chicken, hey? You talk to authors Rosen Trevithickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03426707328360741084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7854930070752217778.post-20844718299468519322014-10-19T11:22:00.000+01:002014-10-19T11:22:26.647+01:00Your Talking Cow Protagonist Puts You Off BeefThe situation: illustration of a cheeky cow grinning at you; aversion to red meat.
You feel: nausea; despair; guilt.
So you want to write a kids’ book, huh? Talking animals are a time-honoured strategy when it comes to entertaining children. However, you do need to be careful when you anthropomorphise. Identify your favourite meat and steer well clear of the originating animal.
You may think Rosen Trevithickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03426707328360741084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7854930070752217778.post-1365307629943981052014-10-18T10:40:00.001+01:002014-10-18T10:40:14.505+01:00Your Cat Can’t Accept Your Writing CareerThe situation: cat sits on keyboard at every opportunity.
You feel: frustration; sadness; disappointment.
Cats can have an attitude problem at the best of times. They like to know that they’re in charge – top cat, if you like. Therefore, it can be very difficult for a cat to accept that his or her human is a totally splendid hotshot author.
A jealous cat will sit on keyboards, trample on Rosen Trevithickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03426707328360741084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7854930070752217778.post-54810638892931230202014-10-17T11:52:00.001+01:002014-10-17T11:52:50.553+01:00A Crocodile Eats Your LaptopSigns of a problem: crocodile licking his lips; a few shards of laptop remain on the riverbank.
The symptoms: despair; self-criticism; frustration.
One of the biggest frustrations known to authorkind is loss of work. We’ve all been there – so engrossed in what we’re writing that we fail to take adequate precautions in the backup department. Then, the next thing we know, a computer malfunction Rosen Trevithickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03426707328360741084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7854930070752217778.post-4415389293735668392014-10-16T11:18:00.000+01:002014-10-16T11:18:40.263+01:00A True Story About Your Ex Would Make a Great BookThe situation: re-reading series of angry diary entries; researching defamation online.
You feel: excitement; concern.
Your ex was a slugwaffle. Whilst recovering from the onslaught of slime that inevitably comes with a slugwaffle, you organised your thoughts by putting his actions down on paper in a diary format. You later look back and think, ‘Actually, that would make a bloody good short Rosen Trevithickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03426707328360741084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7854930070752217778.post-17888676449344950692014-10-15T09:12:00.000+01:002014-10-15T11:05:12.664+01:00Your Ex Sells Your Sext History to the PressSigns of a problem: people smirk at you in the street; your social network follower count doubles overnight.
The symptoms: embarrassment; loss of trust.
You knew your ex was a half-witted moron with a tiny dick and all the sexual prowess of a dormouse, but you didn’t know that he was also a selfish, untrustworthy sell-out. That is, until you saw your steamiest text reproduced as a tabloid Rosen Trevithickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03426707328360741084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7854930070752217778.post-4923158801858886032014-10-14T09:11:00.000+01:002014-10-14T13:00:35.506+01:00You Shout Your Pen Name in BedThe situation: baffled look on partner’s face.
You feel: embarrassment; regret.
It’s been a good day – twenty sales and a new five star review. It’s hardly surprising that you’re thinking about the reviewer’s comment, ‘I want to bone this book’ while your partner is attempting some boning action of his own. It’s no wonder that those five stars are flashing in your mind as you reach the Rosen Trevithickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03426707328360741084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7854930070752217778.post-4756431999689909152014-10-13T10:40:00.001+01:002014-10-13T10:40:09.239+01:00Your Lover Shouts Your Pen Name in BedThe situation: at the crucial moment, your lover opens his or her mouth and it’s not your name that comes out, but your pen name.
You feel: confusion; surprise; mixture of delight and concern.
Congratulations! If your lover shouts your pen name in bed then it means that he or she has recognised that you are a totally splendid hotshot author. Treat the first occurrence of this with pride.
Rosen Trevithickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03426707328360741084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7854930070752217778.post-69016852668628636012014-10-12T09:09:00.000+01:002014-10-12T21:01:36.338+01:00A Reader Stops Having a Crush on YouSigns of a problem: progressively less frequent emails.
The symptoms: self-doubt; fear; loneliness; grief.
Mocking the reader who sends you daily photos of his foot used to be a popular pastime. (“That tattoo on his left toe doesn’t even look like me! Ha ha ha!”) But then suddenly the photos stop. You don’t notice at first. But a week goes by and not a single inappropriate photo makes it into Rosen Trevithickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03426707328360741084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7854930070752217778.post-34887777219235998062014-10-11T09:08:00.000+01:002014-10-11T10:40:15.402+01:00A Reader Develops a Crush on YouSigns of a problem: increasingly frequent emails; gushing reviews that use the word ‘alluring’ and the string ‘<3 <3 <3’; the creation of fan fiction.
The symptoms: feeling flattered (at first); feeling disturbed (second); feeling deeply alarmed (final stage).
Although you can guess a lot about an author from his or her books, most people’s concrete knowledge of an author is based on Rosen Trevithickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03426707328360741084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7854930070752217778.post-90220450459477670852014-10-10T09:08:00.000+01:002014-10-10T10:58:35.767+01:00Your Gran Reads Your Anal Sex SceneSigns of a problem: gran can’t look you in the eye; she’s sweating profusely.
The symptoms: mortification.
One of the hardest things about writing a sex scene is knowing that somehow, sometime, your family will read it. Then all sorts of questions will enter their minds: ‘Where did little Johnny learn the word schlong?’, ‘Has he ever tried using frozen yoghurt for that?’, ‘What is rimming?’
OfRosen Trevithickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03426707328360741084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7854930070752217778.post-34175886367563760102014-10-09T09:07:00.000+01:002014-10-09T11:42:04.453+01:00Your Partner Prefers Your Rival’s BookSigns of a problem: partner is chuckling; all your books are still neatly arranged on the shelf.
The symptoms: burning sense of betrayal; despair; anger; humiliation.
You arrive home to hear your partner in the bathroom chuckling. He’s reading a book on the loo. He loves it! you think. You rush inside to find your partner seated on the porcelain throne. The sight before you is the most Rosen Trevithickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03426707328360741084noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7854930070752217778.post-16768406820475491802014-10-08T09:06:00.000+01:002014-10-08T11:26:51.610+01:00Your Partner Doesn’t Read Your BookSigns of a problem: poor excuses; your printout has undamaged crisp corners; he or she can’t answer your intensive quiz about page one.
The symptoms: pain; rejection; loneliness; frustration.
You know that your work is great and you can’t wait for your beloved to read it. Some days pass, and still the printout remains untouched. The pain begins to build. Isn’t your loved one interested in your Rosen Trevithickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03426707328360741084noreply@blogger.com0